2.) I will awake at 2:00 am as I have done every night since October 13th 1996 with an overwhelming feeling of dread, jumping out of bed so quickly that I stumble to gain my balance. I sit on the edge of the bed remembering it is not 1996 and try to tell myself everything is all right, however in reality it is not.
3.) It is October 14th year after year since 1996 and the grief still haunts me; as I again remember holding the body of my dead son in my arms. I hear my own screams from somewhere far beyond my imagination, my own voice is wailing sobs inside my mind so strong I think my brain will explode into a million shattered pieces.
4.) All of the family and friends drifted away, wanting to escape my grief. I feel as though forgetting him is a betrayal, I will always be Mike’s Mom. I can grasp their abandonment as there are days I have abandoned myself, so lost in a fog I do not know who I am. There is nothing they could have said or done, so they chose to walk away. There can be many Sons, however only one Mother gives birth to a Child the bond between them is of eternal love like no other.
5.) It is October again, my loneliest time of year. Holidays are coming, his birthday is right around the corner, I want to be alone in my sorrows, I want to be alone with my son.
6.) Do not mistake being alone as being lonely. I enjoy being alone, loneliness is a feeling of longing for love you once had. I would much rather physically walk alone then be in a room filled with people and only have feelings of being alone. This is un-doubted the most lonely feelings of all.
7.) In sudden death of a child, there is pain so deep in your soul that every bone in your body aches to the core of your being. It is a pain only some Mothers can experience, It literally sucks the life out of your being, gray hairs seem to appear overnight and the endless grieving takes hold. There is no walking away for a Mother’s torment such as this. Now I remember him with all my heart soul and mind, because I cared about him alone, I was his only true family, the one who never abandoned him. And thus I can not bring myself to abandon him even though death separates us.
8.) Other times of the year I can remember the good times we had but this time of year brings on the dark clouds of PTSD and although the sun shines brightly through my window, I can only see the darkness closing in. I know there are many people like me in the world, so pray for us.
9.) I have survived unimaginable adversity, most days I am as solid as a rock, I can take care of business like the best of them. I have always been a giver, yet in my darkest most vulnerable hours for about 5 years following October 14th, 1996 even those who I was most generous with, took too much from me and cast me aside. When I complained they used my son against me and told me he was damned in Hell for dying of an alcohol overdose. Religious fanatics who need to be medicated for their various dysfunctional personality disorders.
10.) I have learned to live with PTSD. I know my triggers and no longer walk the edge of disaster. I again put the Midwest in my rear view mirror, and escaped the insanity without drinking too much of their toxic Cool-aide. I am back out West where I belong, enjoying the sunshine free to be me. Free to honor my Son, as he was becoming an honorable young man. He made a mistake, had some poor judgment and it cost him his life. I am free to believe there is a God who is forgiving of our errors, and not one earthly being, religious or not has the power or knowledge of another’s last seconds of life. We all die alone, reaching for God. It is God’s choice alone to take our hand as we breath our final breath.
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